Sex Problems = Gender Problems

The Penis is Mysterious and Important

I work primarily with men. Usually cisgendered straight men who are dissatisfied with their sex lives, specifically. They come to me because they can’t orgasm, orgasm too quickly, or can’t get or keep an erection.

I use specific protocols to help address these issues wherein I basically rewire their entire sexual system. We switch their arousal matrix to a different part of their nervous system, re-map the body for more nuanced pleasure, and follow a specific (but bespoke) retraining of their erogenous tissue to replicate the kinds of sex they want to be having. I use a lot of metaphors (sports! the Karate Kid!) when talking with clients because the work is heavy science nerd shit, but at times feels really woo-woo (especially in the beginning). Most of my clients are very normal guys: IT specialists, bus boys, project managers, teachers, retirees. They’ve usually gone to a few doctors and a few sex workers before they see me. Most of them are in therapy. By the time they get to me, they’re pretty worn down and willing to do the annoying, frustrating, and somewhat bizarre stuff I ask of them (breathing exercises, anyone?).

A large part of my work is myth busting. A lot of men don’t know that much about sex, and the ones who do have a lot of incorrect information. Even if they got sex ed in school (and most didn’t), it wasn’t comprehensive, and they have had to get most of their learning in the field (if they’re lucky) or from pornography (which is like learning to drive by watching formula one, as Emily Nagoski says). I find a lot of my job is normalizing imperfect, non-porn star sex for my clients. Normalizing, for example, that some level of losing an erection is normal for everyone! It happens to 25 year olds, it happens to millionaires, it happens to rock stars. Even professional male escorts keep viagra in their dopp bags because the truth is: the penis is emotional.

(above image from one of my all time favorite movies, Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

A lot of our language around the penis hides its true nature. Its gets “hard”. It penetrates, it fucks, it slams. It’s a sword, a cock, a tool, a prick, a dong, a knob. But I like to think of the penis more as a divining rod. Often, the penis reveals the penis-haver’s true feelings. Sure, sometimes it’s about their partner, but also their day, their stress levels in general, previous trauma, their masturbation habits, or their health. That’s why when working with clients I always make sure they get a comprehensive physical, prefer that they are in therapy, and ask a lot of questions about not just their sex lives, but their life in general.

I’ve been known to say that a lot of sex problems are actually gender problems. We have expectations around the penis that are similar to our cultural expectations of men: unswayed by emotion, perpetually reliable, hard-working, put-your-head-down-and-get-the-job-done-no-matter-what, NO FEELINGS ALLOWED (except being horny or angry, but only when appropriate). I tell clients they want their penis to work the way I want my car to work: push to start. But the penis is emotional, sensitive, truth-telling. Erectile dysfunction specifically is often a symptom of a larger problem, not the problem itself: diabetes, blood pressure issues, underlying negative core beliefs, a lack of safety, fight or flight. Yes I work with clients to help them have a more reliable erection, but we also work on building compassion, understanding, and a better relationship with their genitals; all while divesting from outdated and harmful ideas about sex and masculinity. Having a penis is sort of like having a really great companion dog who alerts you when something is amiss: build a trusting relationship and you’ll have a best friend for life.